Home Run Derby

I think just about everybody expected Sammy Sosa to be named in the Mitchell Report.

He wasn’t. 

I think just about everyone who opined on who would be named by Senator George Mitchell today would have had Sammy Sosa listed.  And I would have agreed with them, which would have kept my “fabulous” record of predictions intact.

But he’s not there. 

Okay, Sosa is mentioned in the report - but he’s not listed among the 86 names.  And he’s only referenced once.  His only mention comes when Senator Mitchell was detailing his attempts to contact Mark McGwire through his attorney …

I sent similar letters with specific questions to lawyers for Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa and Gary Sheffield, none of whom provided answers to my questions either.

Now mind you - just because Sosa isn’t in the Mitchell Report list of players doesn’t mean he didn’t use a performance enhancing substance.  It could just mean that Mitchell didn’t find any cancelled checks payable to Kirk Radomski from Mr. Sosa.

My eyes tell me differently. 

I thought that I could handle any name on the Mitchell Report.  I was wrong.  Wrong.

There are reports out there which say Home Run Derby’s patron saint of overweight pitchers is on the Mitchell Report.

Rich Garces.  El Guapo.

It can’t be true.  Say it ain’t so, Guapo.

What the heck did he take?  Weight Gain 4000?  Let’s go to a live video feed with El Guapo ….

Follow Your Dreams
You can Reach your Goals
I’m Living Proof
Beefcake!  BEEFCAKE!! 

Or did El Guapo eat someone who was on Steroids?

UPDATE:  WOO HOO!!  El Guapo is NOT in the Mitchell Report.  I knew it.

So the Mitchell Report is coming out today at 2PM Eastern Time …

And names will be named.  The New York Times says that “high level MVP’s and All-Stars” will be named within the highly anticipated report, and that …

“MLB’s not going to love it, the union’s not going to love it”

I imagine baseball fans aren’t going to love it either.  Especially if their favorite player’s name is in it. 

Which begs a question - Who do YOU not want to see on the Mitchell Report this afternoon?

I’ll go first. 

I will be CRUSHED if Jim Thome’s name is on that report. 

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With Senator George Mitchell playing the role of Santa Claus.

Of course what that Santa Claus looks like depends entirely on your perspective.

Let’s take a look at what Santa Claus might look like at 2PM this afternoon when Senator Mitchell releases his report to the Public.

If you’re a member of the sports media

George Mitchell will look very much like this jolly man dressed in red.  You’re going to get a present.  Something wonderful.

Something you asked for in your letters every December …

Headlines and readers.

But if you’re a MLB player …

This day could be a very grim one indeed.  Not one you want to remember.

George Mitchell probably looks like the Grinch who’s going to steal something from you …

Quite possibly your legacy. 

And probably your ability to charge three figures for an autograph at memorabilia shows.

If you’re a baseball fan …

This could very well be a punch in the gut that you can’t even fathom.  Especially if your favorite player is on there. 

I might avoid the Mitchell Report today - George Mitchell might tell me that the Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock will shoot my eye out.

And if you’re Bud Selig, later today you’re probably going to look like this:

So even after their 72-90 record last season (24 games back in the AL Central), the Chicago White Sox keep missing out on the big names this offseason …

• Torii Hunter - signed with Angels - 5 Years / $90 MM
• Andruw Jones - signed with LA Dodgers - 2 Years / $36 MM
• Aaron Rowand - signed with SF Giants - 5 Years / $60 MM
• Kosuke Fukudome - signed with Cubs - 4 Years / $48 MM
• Miguel Cabrera - traded to Tigers for prospects

Either the White Sox are cheaper than other teams in their offers for these players or players no longer think the South Side of Chicago is an attractive place to play anymore.

White Sox General Manager Kenny Williams has now expressed his frustrations …

“If I ever leave this job or if I ever get fired,” Williams says, “I’m not coming back to the American League. I’m going to the National League. You’ve got a fighting chance over there.”

So with this in mind (and the White Sox fanbase growing edgy) you’d think that some disgruntled fan has already snatched up FireKennyWilliams.com to rant about the recent misfortunes of the Pale Hose.

Well, FireKennyWilliams.com has indeed been registered.  Someone with some foresight did it back on April 13, 2007. 
The owner, however, might surprise you. 

The owner of FireKennyWilliams.com is …

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Kosuke Fukudome is coming to America.  He’s coming to Chicago.  He’s coming to Wrigley Field.  The Cubs outbid the Padres and White Sox offered the most attractive situation for Fukudome.  He’ll play Right Field, which the Sox couldn’t or wouldn’t offer.

I can’t wait for 2,000 drunken Trixies in the Wrigley Bleachers to mispronounce “Fukudome” 30 times a game.  

As we said once before … it’s pronounced Foo-Koo-Doh-May. 
Not Fuk-U-Do-Me.

But if you’re hoping to get a Cub jersey for Christmas with an easily mispronounced sexual innuendo on the back … I think you’re going to be disappointed.

Because Fukudome’s jersey is probably going to look like this …

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A lot of boys in America want to be baseball players when they grow up.

Is it the fame?
Is it the fortune?
Is it the women?
Is it the competition?

Or is it the fringe benefit of being able to grab your crotch in front of 40,000 people every day without suffering any consequences?

All of the above.  Let’s go around the majors and find some guys playing ball.

Jim Thome (then with the Indians) was caught swinging two bats in the on deck circle while wearing one of those terrible “turn ahead the clock” jerseys a while back.
Meanwhile, some member of the New York Mets holds his member.

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Sept 3, 2004

Fenway Park, Boston.
Red Sox lead the Rangers 2-0. 
Ninth inning. 
Two Out. 
One Ball, Two Strikes. 
Runner on second base.

Watch as Red Sox relief pitcher Keith Foulke throws a pitch to Kevin Mench. 

You know … Foulke might have been juust a bit distracted on that pitch.   

Miss it? 

Front row - girl on the cell phone to the left of the umpire.  Gives the ol’ one-boob salute to Foulke.

Mench grounded out on the next pitch to end the ballgame, so it’s unlikely that she was thrown out of the stands.

I wonder if she was talking to “Johnny from Burger King.” 

CC Sabathia won the American League Cy Young last month and became the heaviest AL Cy Young award winner ever … at a weight of 290 pounds.  He unseated Bartolo Colon’s then-record Cy Young scale-tipping weight (a listed 245 pounds) in 2005. 

Hold on a minute.  There’s a standing rule at Home Run Derby … if you talk about two overweight pitchers in a post …  THROWDOWN !!

Who would win in a fight between Bartolo Colon and C.C. Sabathia?

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