Home Run Derby

Here at Home Run Derby, we’re not afraid to ask the really tough questions that no one else asks …

Like who would win in a Fight between El Guapo and El Pulpo?  Two cult-status relief pitchers with great Spanish nicknames and stomachs to match.

In the Red Corner – Hailing from Maraca, Venezuela, with a height of 6 feet 0 inches and a high listed weight of 250 pounds (but was NEVER even close to being that low) … The Handsome One – EL GUAPO !!

AKA – Rich Garces.  Played for the Twins, Cubs, and Marlins before acheiving cult status as a premiere set-up man for the Boston Red Sox.  He had his best season in 1999, going 5-1 with a 1.55 ERA and 33 K’s in 40 Innings.  He was a fan favorite in Boston – Fenway would shake when he ran in from the bullpen … and then the fans would help shake it.

Teammate Mike Maddux gave Garces the nickname “El Guapo” because he looked like the Villain of the same name in the movie The Three Amigos. 

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance.  But the moniker stuck for a grotesquely obese man with a cannon arm with a nickname of “The Handsome One.”  I love Baseball. 

The Red Sox had concerns about his weight and he lost a lot of it.  Unfortunately his performance plummeted along with his cholesterol.  He is currently out of the Major Leagues, but this past winter he went 3-1 with 11 saves in the Venezuelan League.  He hopes to return to the majors.

Check out that gut.  Looks to me like life has been good to El Guapo in his native Venezuela. 

In the Blue Corner – Hailing from La Romana, Dominican Republic, with a height of 6 feet 5 inches and weighing in at 235 pounds with extra fingers and toes … The Octopus – EL PULPO !!

AKA – Antonio Alfonseca.  Taken away from the Expos in the 1993 Expansion Draft, he played for five seasons for the Marlins before a whirlwind six-year journey of stints with the Cubs, Braves, Marlins, Rangers, and the Phillies.  Best season was with the Marlins in 2000 when he won Rolaids Relief Man of the Year with 45 Saves.

Nicknamed El Pulpo because of a condition called polydactyly – six fingers on his hands and six toes on his feet.  In most sports this guy wouldn’t get past tryouts.  But the sometimes freak show that is baseball embraced him.

Had a 2002 Spring Training altercation with Dale Torborg and shortly afterwards was traded with Matt Clement to the Cubs for Julian Tavarez and Dontrelle Willis.  Nice trade for the Marlins. 

In September 2003, while with the Cubs, he bumped an umpire with his gut which garnered a five-game suspension.  I wouldn’t want to be bumped by that thing.  Who knows what’s in it?

Let’s go to the career statistics …

This is a tough one.  El Guapo is a HUGE man who could probably eat the annual food supply of a West African nation in one sitting.  He has the fire of a man trying to return to the big leagues under his own terms.  El Pulpo is a man-beast who has some documented instances of violence … and has an six fingers on his hands.  No word if he killed any Spaniards.

I have to give this one to El Guapo. 

He has a ravenous fan base in the Northeast (don’t mess with Red Sox fans) whereas El Pulpo has bounced from team to team, leaving a trail of blown saves (and pissed off fans) in his wake.  He can’t count on them to have his back.

And even though El Pulpo has an extra finger (to perform an extra special Shocker) – I learned from The Princess Bride that men with six fingers on their hands are always ultimately defeated.

[POLL=5]

 Kali Speta!  It is time for another edition of your favorite weekly feature, Gyros Thursday.  OK maybe its not your favorite, but it’s my favorite.  Where else can I blibber-blabber about all things baseball (and somethings not about baseball).  Time to break out the bell and get dinging.

Ding:  Boo Hoo.  Barry Bonds hasn’t hit a homerun since May 8th.  Maybe someone replaced his HGH injection with estrogen (ala the Longest Yard remake).

Ding: On the flip side, Justin Morneau, his BS MVP and his broken nose have hit 8 dingers since May 8th.  Hopefully he won’t disappear like last September.

Ding:  How about that Marla Hooch, What A Hitter.  I know what you are thinking. We want chicks that dig the long ball, not one that hits the long ball.  I figured we needed a chick sorbet to clear the pallet after the latest hotties on the site.  But hey, She’s got an eye like DiMaggio…and a chin like him as well.

Ding:  The over/under date for when the Komodos total HRs are half the the leader’s totals (hopefully the 300 spartans) is June 28. 

Ding:  Domo arigato, Shingo Takatsu, Domo…Domo…Thank you very much, Shingo Takatsu for sucking at the Derby like you do. Thank you…Thank you!!!

Ding:  After a two week hiatus, Let’s get back to the Derek Jeter ex-girlfriend club.  This week we feature the lovely Vanessa Minnillo, ex MTV host and current Entertainment Tonight Reporter.  Derek Jeter you are incredible.  If I ever meet you in person, I will stand on the table and say at the top of my lungs, “Oh Captain, My Captain”.

More Vanessa after the jump.  Yasso! I hope you all hit a homer today.

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