Home Run Derby

Some Famous Japanese Imports to American Culture: Honda, Sushi, Ichiro, Toyota, Dice-K, Bukkake, Godzilla, Fukudome.

Wait – who was that last one?

The reigning MVP of Japan’s Central League could be coming to a Major League Baseball team near you in 2008. Kosuke Fukudome turned 30 this year and his contract with the Chunichi Dragons expires in 2007.

Which means there won’t be a Daisuke Matsuzaka-esque bidding war before an MLB team can even talk contract numbers with him.

Fukudome is a natural hitter and is an excellent outfielder (RF). He’s got a rocket arm and blazing speed. He has led the Central League in Fielding Percentage the past two seasons. He led the 2006 Central League in batting (.351) while slugging .653 with 47 Doubles, 31 HR, and 104 RBI. That’s how you get yourself named MVP.

He is a two-time Olympic Baseball Medalist (1996 – Silver, 2004 – Bronze) and was a member of the Japanese National Team which won the inaugural World Baseball Classic in 2006.

Let’s compare Fukudome’s Japanese career stats to some other heralded Japanese outfielders who have left Japan for the Major Leagues. Not too Shabby - especially considering that his first few years have been nowhere near as good as his recent performances.

But the reason I hope he leaves Nippon Baseball for the Majors is to hear people mispronounce his name. It’s gonna be vulgar, especially over at the Booyah Network when analysts like Dusty Baker and Joe Morgan have to speak it. Let’s have a quick pronunciation lesson so you don’t get your mouth washed out with some Mr. Sparkle …

It’s Koe-Sue-Kay Foo-Koo-Doh-May.

Not Koe-Sucky F*ck-You-Do-Me.

Good God I wish Harry Caray was still alive to mispronounce that.

You can watch Fukudome throw a spaz after getting called out on strikes right here.

There. My one year of Japanese in college paid off. See, Dad – I told you it wasn’t a waste of money.

According to the San Francisco Gate (hat tip AOL Fanhouse), an auctioneer has set the early bounty on Barry Bonds‘ record breaking 756th Home Run Ball at …

wait for it …

ONE MILLION DOLLARS

A Dallas auction house is already talking turkey, offering $1 million for the ball Bonds hits to break Hank Aaron’s career record of 755.

The record ball “could truly be considered ‘priceless,’ ” Ivy said, “but we expect that $1 million will be very tempting to the fan who catches that ball.”

I don’t know about you, but for some reason this just reeks of evil genius to me.

Think about it – Doctor Evil and his cohorts have probably been supplying Bonds with ster- … ahem, flaxseed oil … for years now in an attempt to create absolute chaos in the world (okay maybe just Baseball) by having an unpopular dreg of society break Baseball’s most Hallowed Record.

There will be mass pandemonium inside (or more likely outside) whatever stadium Bonds hits #756 to get the ball anyway. And now, with a surely uncoincidental $1,000,000 bounty on this stitched sphere of cowhide, Dr. Evil will be in the mix to snatch the ball and attempt to plunge the world’s Collectible Baseball Market into chaos.

The only person who could save baseball from this fate is probably watching a game of cricket (do they have Pink Cricket bats on Mother’s Day?)

And don’t try to kayak in the San Francisco Bay for that ball either, because there’s probably going to be sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads in McCovey Cove in the very near future.

Okay – none of this makes any sense, but when did any Austin Powers plot make any sense?