Home Run Derby

I thought that I could handle any name on the Mitchell Report.  I was wrong.  Wrong.

There are reports out there which say Home Run Derby’s patron saint of overweight pitchers is on the Mitchell Report.

Rich Garces.  El Guapo.

It can’t be true.  Say it ain’t so, Guapo.

What the heck did he take?  Weight Gain 4000?  Let’s go to a live video feed with El Guapo ….

Follow Your Dreams
You can Reach your Goals
I’m Living Proof
Beefcake!  BEEFCAKE!! 

Or did El Guapo eat someone who was on Steroids?

UPDATE:  WOO HOO!!  El Guapo is NOT in the Mitchell Report.  I knew it.

Home Run Derby’s favorite Red Sox player of all time needs your help. 

The porcine former Red Sox and current Nashua Pride relief pitcher Rich Garces, aka “El Guapo,” is one of 25 Finalists in the running for President of Red Sox Nation.  

So let’s Guap the Vote !!

Watch as he asks for your vote …

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As the resident acolyte of the Church of El Guapo, I offer the above quote as the alpha and omega of justification for Guapo love. 

But like El Guapo himself, there’s more to love from this Boston magazine profile on the comeback of the century, such as:

 - El Guapo chasing down a fly ball to the outfield during BP (picture the Death Star closing in on the Millenium Falcon)

 - El Guapo fudging the speed of his heater to Sports Illustrated

 - The involvement of, who else, a Maddux in creating the legend of the Guapo

 - The mysterious and terrifying concession stand sandwich that carries his name

 - “I like cervezas”

 Vaya con Dios, El Guapo.

(Hat tip to Deadspin- also a worshipper at the altar of Guapo)

If you’ve read this site for a while, you’ll know that one of our all-time favorite ballplayers is Rich Garces … aka, The Handsome One.

EL GUAPO

The porcine right-handed reliever who became a legend while pitching for the Boston Red Sox before he was unceremoniously DFA’d to baseball obscurity.

So earlier this year, we were thrilled to hear that the rotund one was attempting to return to the big leagues.

After a successful stint with the Aguilas del Zulia in the Venezuelan Professional Winter League, he signed with the Nashua Pride of the Canadian-American League - which might be the lowest rung in baseball Hell …

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Here at Home Run Derby, we’re not afraid to ask the really tough questions that no one else asks …

Like who would win in a Fight between El Guapo and El Pulpo?  Two cult-status relief pitchers with great Spanish nicknames and stomachs to match.

In the Red Corner - Hailing from Maraca, Venezuela, with a height of 6 feet 0 inches and a high listed weight of 250 pounds (but was NEVER even close to being that low) … The Handsome One - EL GUAPO !!

AKA - Rich Garces.  Played for the Twins, Cubs, and Marlins before acheiving cult status as a premiere set-up man for the Boston Red Sox.  He had his best season in 1999, going 5-1 with a 1.55 ERA and 33 K’s in 40 Innings.  He was a fan favorite in Boston - Fenway would shake when he ran in from the bullpen … and then the fans would help shake it.

Teammate Mike Maddux gave Garces the nickname “El Guapo” because he looked like the Villain of the same name in the movie The Three Amigos. 

Personally, I don’t see the resemblance.  But the moniker stuck for a grotesquely obese man with a cannon arm with a nickname of “The Handsome One.”  I love Baseball. 

The Red Sox had concerns about his weight and he lost a lot of it.  Unfortunately his performance plummeted along with his cholesterol.  He is currently out of the Major Leagues, but this past winter he went 3-1 with 11 saves in the Venezuelan League.  He hopes to return to the majors.

Check out that gut.  Looks to me like life has been good to El Guapo in his native Venezuela. 

In the Blue Corner - Hailing from La Romana, Dominican Republic, with a height of 6 feet 5 inches and weighing in at 235 pounds with extra fingers and toes … The Octopus - EL PULPO !!

AKA - Antonio Alfonseca.  Taken away from the Expos in the 1993 Expansion Draft, he played for five seasons for the Marlins before a whirlwind six-year journey of stints with the Cubs, Braves, Marlins, Rangers, and the Phillies.  Best season was with the Marlins in 2000 when he won Rolaids Relief Man of the Year with 45 Saves.

Nicknamed El Pulpo because of a condition called polydactyly - six fingers on his hands and six toes on his feet.  In most sports this guy wouldn’t get past tryouts.  But the sometimes freak show that is baseball embraced him.

Had a 2002 Spring Training altercation with Dale Torborg and shortly afterwards was traded with Matt Clement to the Cubs for Julian Tavarez and Dontrelle Willis.  Nice trade for the Marlins. 

In September 2003, while with the Cubs, he bumped an umpire with his gut which garnered a five-game suspension.  I wouldn’t want to be bumped by that thing.  Who knows what’s in it?

Let’s go to the career statistics …

This is a tough one.  El Guapo is a HUGE man who could probably eat the annual food supply of a West African nation in one sitting.  He has the fire of a man trying to return to the big leagues under his own terms.  El Pulpo is a man-beast who has some documented instances of violence … and has an six fingers on his hands.  No word if he killed any Spaniards.

I have to give this one to El Guapo. 

He has a ravenous fan base in the Northeast (don’t mess with Red Sox fans) whereas El Pulpo has bounced from team to team, leaving a trail of blown saves (and pissed off fans) in his wake.  He can’t count on them to have his back.

And even though El Pulpo has an extra finger (to perform an extra special Shocker) - I learned from The Princess Bride that men with six fingers on their hands are always ultimately defeated.

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